a thousand to spare you the one

I see your pain. I feel your tears, even those unshed, and I remember them as mine. So parallel our lives, you and I, I lay awake in fear for what lies ahead. I remember well what lives around the next corner and the next and yet I cannot make you hear me. If I could spare you every moment of it, I would. If it meant I had to live it all again, a thousand times again, to spare you the once, I would.

 You sit, a posture of defense, and speak, an accent of entitlement. I know what lies beneath. What crippled heart can do to lay barren a field of dreams. Oh that it had not been you. I would endure a hundred nights to spare you the one. I laid the promise that was me into the blossoming that was you. He would see us both destroyed.

 Life has not been easy on you, my fallen angel. I weep for the loss of your childhood the way I once wept over mine. With the foreboding only experience can bring, I prepare myself for your future. My heart breaks for the things you seem purposed to endure. There is, of course, alternate routes, but you seem intent on not traveling those and I cannot for a moment blame you.

 How well I know the stillness that only comes when governed through a drug. How familiar the sleepless nights and endless emptiness that is only quelled when one is debased according to that which is remembered. How hollow and hopeless and endless life can seem. How adrift in a sea of nothingness one can feel, if one is lucky enough to have a chemical aid. I know so well the nuance of emotion that drives a person to self-destruct, decompose, disengage.

 I wish I could go back. A million times over I wish I could go back. If only I had known! I never would have kept such secrets. My secrets were meant to protect you, not meant to destroy! I am so sorry. There are no words to express the aching regret for the cost of my cowardice. There is no way for me to repair that which has been so cunningly broken.

 But there is hope. Sweet and courageous and terrified heart of mine, there is hope. When you travel the path you are on and the darkness seems to overwhelm, when you cry alone desperate for someone to understand, when all seems lost to you, in the very moment of your precipice, it is then you must remember, remind yourself to remember, there is hope!

 I don’t speak to you in platitudes. This is not a hollow statement with a kindly pat on the head. You can trust that my promise to you is real. I give you my very word, heartbroken and true, there is hope for you. For your heart, your broken spirit, your disquieted mind.

 If you never again believe another word I say, you can believe this: I was more lost than many a person would dare to imagine, it would be hard to paint a picture of just how undone I came on my own road to well. A black hole of violence and destruction, a child within a monster begging to be saved. I loathed myself more than any other person could, my thoughts were torture and my anxiety and fear endless. I craved death and destruction as my deliverance.

 And there was hope for me. There is peace. There is stillness. There is rest from all that storms within. It takes absolute and resolute power of the will – your will – but it is there and you can have it. You truly can choose a different road and, with a fight, you can have it.

 And when you arrive, I will be here to welcome you and my heart will finally be whole.

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6 thoughts on “a thousand to spare you the one

  1. Just wanted to let you know that I have been doing some experimenting with the possibilities of wordpress and learned a couple new things. If you decide to add any new fancies to your blog and get stuck or don’t know how, give a holler! Btw- keep writin’, I truly believe that God is and will be using this blog for His glory and purposes. <3

  2. This is simply beautiful. Your writing is so artistic and amazing. I can’t wait to dig into your blog – but I’m gonna have to wait until the weekend, I can’t be up all night! haha 🙂

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