Apologetically Me

I’m all for introspection. I think it’s important to know yourself fully, I believe it’s a part of living in the center of your peace and finding fulfillment. So yeah, I’m all for introspection – just as long as it doesn’t hurt.

Of course, too long looking within and one is bound to find something unpleasant and demanding to be changed. That is, if one is being honest. And that sort of discovery doesn’t come easily or pleasantly. None of us want to admit our fallibility. We’re ready to be anything but human.

 That being said, there’s a red flag waving at me from within and I’ve ignored it for as long as I can. I’ve come too far to stop moving forward now. This whatever-it-is has got to get up and go.

 Here it is: I’ve come on this arduous journey of self-hood and identity; I’ve staked claim in personality and fought for my right to be uniquely me, as God has created me to be. Yet, I’ve realized that I’m the first one to turn on myself, to inside-out and upside down myself at the first sign of trouble. I’m subconsciously apologizing for who I am to people who languish in various shades of ‘who I used to be’.

 It’s baffling to me. I have fought the hard fight. I’ve learned every lesson the hard way. I came from having everything, which turned out to be nothing, to having nothing, and realizing that it’s everything. I walked the path, tested the options, searched out the dead ends and made my way to the fulfillment of open road once more.

 And yet, I find that in certain company, traveling in particular circles, I become tight lipped about who I am today, instead glorying in the stories of who I used to be, with the disclaimer that she was me before. Clearly I don’t want to be her – but apparently I don’t want to be me.

 And so I sit on this particular quirk and wonder. Double-mindedness? Fear of man? Insecurities?

 Or, is this the next level that lies below what used to manifest as an eating disorder? That feels like truth. There is still more in me that I have to accept fully before I’m comfortable letting other people do so. It’s a troublesome realization, if one stops to wonder what ugliness this phase is a symptom of.

 And so I do what I can. I remind myself, sometimes hourly, of who I have become and the freedom and beauty that rests within the woman that I am today. I think of all that I have escaped, literally alive only through grace. I try to remember how life felt then so I can revel in the beauty of how life feels now. Sometimes I have to call to memory the very worst of the flashbacks. It’s better than letting it become my reality again.

 I’m working on the rest of it. The Heavenly mindset that rises above the casual concerns of day to day, the acceptance of truth that opinion is just that (and likely untrue and definitely irrelevant). I’m no where near arrived.

 But I do love myself today in a way that I never did before. And when I’m really open to the truth, I know that everyone else does to. It’s only me that still thinks I need to entertain in deed and behavior. It’s times like these that God protects me from my very self.

 I could never cease to be grateful.

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