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What if anxiety is a conversation with myself?

After a particularly awful anxiety attack, like the one I had this morning, it might be a time to live your life in such a way as if to say, “I’m sorry, my body just reminded me it can kill me at any given time without notice and my Self is in need of my attention. Your opinion of that is currently invalid.”

baby mabel

A Different Kind of Normal

Look at that little smunchy faced baby. It would only take her three short years from this photo to shout “I don’t love you mommy! I don’t love you and I want you to move out so Daddy will stop loving you too!” She’s thorough, at least. I probably don’t need to explain that today […]

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Seasonal Depression in Vermont

Here’s a talk myself down from the ledge moment… “If the sun doesn’t come back to Vermont soon I’m just going to give up the fight and head to bed permanently. I cannot stand it anymore. Breathing is beginning to take effort. I need to hibernate. Of course, what I really need is to get […]

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Why I Take Medicine

I grew up in one of those families that that didn’t believe in mental illness. Depression? Anxiety? Please, everyone gets sad and nervous, get yourself together and let’s get going. Therapy? For what? Psychology is a crock. So it’s no wonder that in this environment the idea of pharmaceuticals was laughable. Not just for us, […]

I think you're rather nice

Maybe You’re Not Crazy

This morning I read that of 78% women suspect that they have a mental illness. (NAMI) Do you know what that says to me? Pretty much no one feels okay in their own skin any more. Definitely not the women. And can you blame us? The expectation of accomplishment is ever growing, both from society and from […]

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Breaking In Front of Baby

Yesterday I broke. I knew it was coming. I could feel myself getting rougher around the edges. Edgier, more impulsive, more inclined to sudden fits of rage. I’m weaning off of my mood stabilizing medication in preparation for childbirth in five weeks and the new, breastfeeding safe, medication that will start after that. I’m beginning […]

A Kiss For Jason

I’m Pretty Wonderful, Too

My husband didn’t know about my addiction and alcoholism until we were hip deep into our relationship. He didn’t know how much I truly loathed winter until we were married. He didn’t know I had a mental illness until we had a baby. I didn’t keep things from him, I just didn’t know. We moved […]

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Bipolar Sucks

Sometimes I don’t want to spin positive. I don’t want to look at a glass and be mindful that is half full. Being bipolar sucks. Even with acceptance and awareness and proper management, it sucks and it’s always going to suck, at least on some level at some amount. I think it’s the unpredictability that […]

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Gentle Parenting With A Mental Illness

I have been diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar ii. I like to tell people it’s “not the crazy crazy kind of bipolar” but who am I kidding? I am crazy as hell some days. My mental illness results in lots of anxiety, sometimes an undercurrent and sometimes a tidal wave, and depression that ranges from […]

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You Bring Restoration (whomever you are and whatever that is)

You bring restoration… I’m singing the words in the shower but I have no idea who I’m singing them to. You bring restoration… I barely even know what the words I’m singing mean anymore. You bring restoration… to my soul. I am always, always, either fully confident in… or fully afraid of… the state of […]