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Lead Me Not Into Temptation

Most of the time when I start writing, I begin with a pretty clear idea of what I want to write about, what it is that I’m trying to say. What ends up as the final product, however, is rarely what I intended. Very often I unearth things about myself, about my thoughts and my […]

What Do We Call This

The older I get, the more in control I like to be. Suddenly things like “planning ahead” and “knowing what to expect” are important to me, and to my sense of well-being. This strikes me as odd. I thought that responsibility came with family and possessions and, since I have neither, I would somehow get […]

I Could Do That

There are so many people out there doing amazing things. I look at them and think, “I could do amazing things, too.” And I could, if only I would take that first step. But I begin to wonder, what is that first step? What direction does it lead in? What does the second step look […]

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This is Church?

I have a friend who wrestles very seriously with whether or not to let her church family know that she occasionally has a glass of wine. There’s another who worries about what impact her platonic relationships with the opposite sex will have on her standing within the church. I have a friend who struggles to accept a theological precept of the church but is fearful to talk about it with anyone. Is this the church where I am supposed to feel safe to confess my sins, to share my struggles?

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The Spirit of Fear

It’s Halloween at midnight. I’m just home from work but not yet in bed because I have to make sure there’s a fire going or I’ll be too cold to sleep. If there is a moon tonight, you can’t tell by looking outside. I’m surrounded by a dark forest beneath a dark sky. The only […]

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Kicking and Screaming Sobriety

Kicking and screaming sobriety, that’s what this is. I normally end relationships that are this difficult. If I have to work this hard to make you stay, we’re probably better off going in our separate directions, know what I mean? I wrestle with my personality when I’m sober. I have expectations of myself that are […]

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Me & the Mrs.

If there has ever truly been a time when there was a tug of war between my self-control and my desire to be completely obliterated it is now. I cannot remember another point when my emotions and my desire to drink were so completely connected before, and I was so aware of it. I can […]

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Finding Love

I don’t want to possess a man, I want to captivate one. I don’t want to fall into the same bed, in the same pose, night after night; I want the rythym of my pulse to be the beat his blood pumps to. I’m Anais Nin reawakened and I don’t want to settle for the […]

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Hold the advice, please.

I’ve been wondering lately why we give advice to people? When asking ‘why’, I mean to say, what is the motivation for one person to offer a word of advice to another person? Call me a cynic, but I think that most people are, most of the time, pretty focused on themselves and their own […]

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Biting off more than I can chew

I cannot stand to be this far from God. And yet, here in church, I look around, and I cannot bear the thought of plugging back into this. It is so hollow. Accomplishing nothing. Self-focused. Empty. Is this my choice?! Is this what I should give up a life I love for? I cannot stand the idea of it. I don’t want anything that isn’t true and authentic and effective. What shall I do, God? Where shall I go?!”