Today’s post is written by a very special guest blogger, who can be seen in the photogaph. She turns 19 in December, and she’s been clean for 8 days. 8 short days if you’re on the outside looking in, 8 very long days if you’re on the one fighting for your sobriety by the hour. Today’s blogger is my youngest sister, Ciara. It likely goes without saying that I’m very, very proud of her.
Breathe in. Breathe out. One minute at a time. That’s all I can focus on.
How did I get here? Somewhere I said I would never let myself get.
“That will never be me!” I would swear. “I could never stoop that low.” I would scoff.
You always surprise yourself when faced with the reality that you are the “me” you swore you’d never become.
You’re at the low you’d never stoop to.
Suddenly perspectives change, life itself, changes.
You start to wonder where you went wrong, how you got there, how long you’ve been this way.
Then there’s the guilt. The overwhelming, gut wrenching guilt.
How could you let yourself be so stupid?! How could you be so blind?
You start to feel sorry. Sorry for yourself, sorry for your life, sorry for the things you’ve done.
You’re just plain sorry.
Then there’s the ‘I can’t deal with this’ part.
You tell yourself it’s not so bad. But believe me, as soon as you start trying to convince yourself that it’s “not so bad”.
Chances are… it probably is.
Then there’s anger. You’re angry at yourself, you’re angry at the people that have hurt you. You’re angry that they aren’t hurting like you.
You’re angry that you weren’t stronger, or that you didn’t try harder. You’re furious.
Then you want to make excuses, try and blame everyone else for all the mistakes you’ve ever made.
Because owning up and taking responsibility just hurts too much.
And the last thing you want to feel is more pain. Pain is what brought you here, in one way or another.
Pain others caused you, pain you’ve caused others, and the pain you’ve caused yourself.
All the pain is too much.
So you find ways to soothe it. You quiet your mind by numbing yourself.
You find other things, people, places, to help soothe the pain.
Some of these people genuinely want to see the pain end, they want to help.
But some of these people only want to see you hurt as much, or more than they do.. They want to see you ruined.
For awhile the pain seems so distant, you just decide you don’t care… But only for awhile.
Soon you’re looking for new things, new people, new places.
But they aren’t really new or different. They’re the same as they were last time, just prettier.
But they don’t stay pretty for long. Soon you want more ‘new’ in your life, more ‘different’.
Things that once terrified you, seem so insignificant. It takes alot to scare you.
But nothing is more terrifying then facing the truth. Facing yourself.
So you keep running, you keep hiding. But you’re never really escaping. Maybe momentarily, but everything is still there waiting for you.
Catching up to you whenever you slow down. Taunting you every time you come out of hiding.
Eventually, you’re exhausted from running and there’s nowhere left for you to hide. You have no choice but to face the truth.
Worst of all, face yourself.