Midnight Intuition

Ever have one of those moments where you think “Yeah, this kid is awesome but I don’t know what God was thinking… she’s got zero chance of coming out of this childhood unscathed.”

This evening I escaped from my bedroom and went to stand in the silent downstairs and be alone with the idea that maybe I should never have had a kid; that this was a very, very bad idea. Not because I don’t adore her, or because I don’t think she’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, but because there’s no way I’m going to get it right. She is this amazing treasure, this tiny gift, and I am known for fucking things like that up.

Tonight she was a little fussier than usual. I’ve been dealing with a lot more anxiety than normal. “She’s very intuitive, you know, she’s affected by your emotions,” my mother tell me, every well meaning woman seems to tell me, “if you’re stressed she’s going to pick up on that.” She wouldn’t stay asleep tonight, kept waking up. She was too full to feed again and nothing else seemed to work. I was frutrated. Jason took her downstairs. My anxiety grew. She was down there crying some time later so I called them back. Jason handed her to me as I uttered a frutrated “for fucks sake!”. Mabel was crying and not easily comforted. A quick offer to nurse was refused, a more insistent offer rejected. Anxious, stressed, irritated… “Mabel, I just can’t handle this okay, I just can’t!” She began to scream like I have never heard her scream before. Inconsolabe, wounded, broken screaming. She’s intuitive, she can pick up on what I’m feeling. There’s no way I’m going to do right by her. She’s this perfect gift, this tiny little treasure and I have no idea how to not fuck that up. She’s sleeping now, finally, but I’m shaken.

I asked my doctor for zoloft but I’m scared to take it. I bought every supplement ever suggested for the baby blues today, or at least the amount on the receipt would seem to indicate such, but it’s too soon for it to work. I keep a tiny bit of marijuana in the house for just this sort of endless anxiety emergency but can’t bring myself to smoke it; I’m dealing with a diminishing milk supply and I read smoking pot can make it worse.

I’m afraid to hold her, I feel guilty when she cries. I’m certain she’s reading every mood and responding, insulted. I think I should just switch to formula to ease my stress and anxiety and allow for a bit of a buffer between us. I wish I’d never heard, never known, how easily she can pick up on what I’m feeling.

This little perfect gift, my tiny little treasure…I’m terrified I’m going to fuck us all up.

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2 thoughts on “Midnight Intuition

  1. I feel very guilty at times because both of my children had to be born in the middle of such anxiety and stress. I have felt the same as you have. But I have discussed it with my children, now grown. I told them that I know that I made many mistakes and that I should have somehow kept them from some of the things I was going through. I told them that all I could do then was at least make sure that they knew they were loved more than anything in the world. They both agreed that that was the most important thing to them as they grew up. So, I still firmly believe that no matter your short comings, if they know that they are loved unconditionally, they will feel a sense of security. You are a better mother than you think. If you weren’t, these things wouldn’t worry you so much. How many mothers raise their babies in the middle of their mess that they are making for themselves without consern for how it affects their babies. They think that as long as they give them something to eat, they are doing their part. Even those kids survive somehow.
    But you are a caring mother. The more that you realize it, I think the more relaxed you will be. xx

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