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Bipolar Sucks

Sometimes I don’t want to spin positive. I don’t want to look at a glass and be mindful that is half full. Being bipolar sucks. Even with acceptance and awareness and proper management, it sucks and it’s always going to suck, at least on some level at some amount. I think it’s the unpredictability that […]

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Gentle Parenting With A Mental Illness

I have been diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar ii. I like to tell people it’s “not the crazy crazy kind of bipolar” but who am I kidding? I am crazy as hell some days. My mental illness results in lots of anxiety, sometimes an undercurrent and sometimes a tidal wave, and depression that ranges from […]

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You Bring Restoration (whomever you are and whatever that is)

You bring restoration… I’m singing the words in the shower but I have no idea who I’m singing them to. You bring restoration… I barely even know what the words I’m singing mean anymore. You bring restoration… to my soul. I am always, always, either fully confident in… or fully afraid of… the state of […]

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A Secret Community; The Power of Transparency

As some of you know, last week I had what was, for me, a rather significant falling apart. It didn’t come all at once and there wasn’t much of a public showdown, but it was powerful and awful and very scary. It was an emotional break several weeks in the making while I ignored red […]

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Unconditional Love is Real

My experience in our childhood home was not one of unconditional love. Affection and praise was earned though a seemingly arbitrary set of rules, and punishment often came in the form of withheld love. “I don’t feel like speaking to you,” my mother would say dismissively through clenched teeth. “Go to your room, I don’t […]

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Dying for Help; Why Sick People Kill Themselves

Why do people with mental illness kill themselves when all they have to do is reach out for help? As some of you may remember, I recently went off my mood stabilizing medication in order to get pregnant. At first it was fine. I felt pretty okay. But things soon started to deteriorate. I felt […]

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Not Like The Others

It’s important for you to know and to remember that you are 99.9% unlike most any other person you’re ever going to meet. Because the entire world is going to tell you things that they expect to work for you to fix the things that are “wrong” with you. And they’re mostly going to tell you the things that worked to fix them. But you’re not them. And maybe some of their things will work for you and maybe some of their things won’t.

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Personal Vending Machine

Want sex as a party favor? She’s your girl. Call her up. Your personal vending machine. Feed in a handful of weed and out comes a blow job, slow and lazy, an obligatory gratitude. Looking for something a little less routine? Vending machine turned glory hole turned full on show, yours for the taking, if […]

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Family Isn’t Permanent

I used to be part of a family. A large, mostly happy family; a family filled with love and a strong attachment to one another. Or that’s the way I seem to remember it. Growing up there were six of us. My mother and father (technically step-father but he was with us from the time […]

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(Some of) The Things I Did

The shame of sexual abuse is strong and lingering. Though my now fully developed, grown up brain tells me that, as a child, I could not be held responsible for the actions of those much older than myself, that abuse is not ever the fault of the victim, there is still a huge piece of […]