When I started this blog it was with the intent of chronicling my journey as I work to navigate successfully my path through life – the path of a woman redeemed, of a Christian called to live in the ‘gray area’, the story of finding and sustaining identity. I find, as time goes by, that it’s a harder task than I thought it might be. I have no idea who’s reading, I have no idea where secrets might land if indeed I do spill them and what the consequence might be. In this forever process of living between right and wrong, there’s sometimes missteps…and it’s in those that lessons are learned and wisdom gained. I’ve realized I can’t share the insight without sharing pieces of the process and that makes me nervous!
However, I have said before and will say again, it is our secrets that make us sick. I’ve no interest in illness. The walk to God is not filled with all things holy and reverent. Look at David! Read the Psalms. Goodness, read anything in the Old Testament and you’ll soon begin to realize that, most often, the road to God is actually a series of wrong turns. “Well if I can’t go that way, that way or that way… then I guess it must be this way.” I don’t think things are so different for us now. We may bury ourselves in churches that like us to pretend that we’re succeeding when we’re often not, or not as we may like to be, but that doesn’t make it truth.
I’m grateful for the mistakes I make. I learn the most when I screw it all up and have to seek God for the way out. I very rarely learn a poignant lesson when life is good and all my decisions are the best and the wisest.
I say all this to say that I started this page with a specific purpose and I haven’t been very true to it. There’s been several large epiphanies in my life in the last 24 hours and, over the next few days, I’d like to share them with you. So I’m preparing you (and myself) for the inevitable exposing of the process that led to the lessons learned. I’m doing this because I believe it may help others to know that it’s okay to struggle and not always succeed – that it’s okay that it’s pretty damned difficult to be an American 30something who is struggling to find their place in the world with their identity in Christ. And I’m moving to the next stage of openness and honesty because I’ve been given a confidence in my heart and motivation. I might not always get it right but my motive, my heart, is almost always pure and, even when I’m feeling my most rebellious, I always want God’s will before anything else (eventually).
And finally, I’m using this as an opportunity to face one of my biggest fears – the fear of man, of popular opinion and of being judged by Christian and non-Christian alike.
I pray that liberty will be found by all of us as we move forward.