Remembering Me – The Life in My Life

I want to know what my favorite colors were when I was a little girl, what toys I played with the most. I want to know whether teenaged me was awkward or self-assured. I want to know how old I was when I left home, left town, came back, left again. I want to put together the missing pieces of where my life took me while I was gone.

I want to know where I come from. I want to remember.

I’ve tried to make myself remember. If I think very hard and focus all of my energy on trying to remember a certain occasion, experience, age… well, I still can’t. It’s like those memories have been erased completely, there is no getting them back. It’s an empty feeling, the vague sense that there was nearly nothing before Now.

To be fair, there are some things I can bring to mind. There are some small highlights that my memory skims the surface of. For example, I remember a surprise 16th birthday party, but I don’t remember who was there or what actually happened. I remember participating in theater throughout high school, but I don’t remember all the players or the beauty of friendships formed and conversations had. My memory is like a skeleton without organs or flesh. There is no life to my life.

I can remember, however, almost every moment of abuse.

I’ve wondered lots of different things when contemplating this memory lacking – which is just as prone to affecting new memories as old, though not with the same vengeance. I’ve wondered if my brain, in looking to protect me from memories of abuse, somehow short-circuited and got things backwards. I’ve questioned whether I might have more personalities than I know of, if these fades in and out can be explained by another personality taking over a situation. Can a decade of drinking and pot smoking, really erase an entire mind? Did I have memories before I had addiction? Is there anyway to stop it? Anyway to fix it?

Last week I wrote a blog post about my teenaged suicide attempt. There were many holes left in the telling of that story, huge pieces I couldn’t remember surrounding the few moments that I could. I mentioned a family friend coming with the gift of a “fluffy white, stuffed something-or-other”.  After reading the post, that friend sent me a message on Facebook. “I think it was a baby seal,” she said.

I read her message and remembered! Yes, it was a baby seal! And with that missing piece, others returned. I suddenly had a picture of
me, in my hospital room, holding that very soft, stuffed baby seal.

I could see the hospital room. I remembered that I collected baby harp seals for awhile. Memories!

It’s just a couple of new things, a memory here and over there, but they are precious to me. A piece of me, returned. Treasures.

It occurred to me the other morning, laying in bed a few extra luxurious moments and contemplating book ideas, that there might be a way to reclaim the life that I have lost. While it may not be me, someone remembers, someone knows what I was doing, where I was going. There are people who can help me to remember who I was.

An idea for the recovery of my life is born. I will interview the people who were there. I will ask for the memories my family and friends have of me, both the good and the bad, and I will remember my life through them. With any luck there will be many more instances like that with the stuffed seal, my own memories will return to me. Whether they do or not, however, I will at least know the where and why and with whom.

I will write it all down. I will tell my story in a book, as remembered through my eyes and through the many sets of eyes that have journeyed along with me for a season or for a lifetime. And I will not forget anymore.

Notice: compact(): Undefined variable: limits in /nfs/c03/h06/mnt/48553/domains/ on line 853

Notice: compact(): Undefined variable: groupby in /nfs/c03/h06/mnt/48553/domains/ on line 853

Notice: compact(): Undefined variable: limits in /nfs/c03/h06/mnt/48553/domains/ on line 853

Notice: compact(): Undefined variable: groupby in /nfs/c03/h06/mnt/48553/domains/ on line 853

Notice: compact(): Undefined variable: limits in /nfs/c03/h06/mnt/48553/domains/ on line 853

Notice: compact(): Undefined variable: groupby in /nfs/c03/h06/mnt/48553/domains/ on line 853

3 thoughts on “Remembering Me – The Life in My Life

  1. Question: Is it normal to remember every aspect of your life? Or just some highlights? I jokingly tell people that my brain is full and I have to forget some old stuff to make room for new stuff. There was a time when I could remember the name of every person I ever met. Now, I just say “Hiiiiiiii, how ya doin’, it’s been a long time”. My friends tell stories, they say I was there, don’t you remember? Oh yeah, yeah, no… Friends and family can help you remember. Have fun building on that!

  2. Your fave colors were pink, purple and turquoise blue
    Your favorite toys as a small child were Cabbage Patch Kids, tea sets, and play kitchenware and fake food too. Your brother Jason’s “Light Brite” was a favorite as well.

    A bit older, finger paints….ugh.

    As a young teen, you were captivated by the Native American doll I made for you

    16th birthday….theme-black and teal, Sarah Wiggett, Sara Waring, and your sibs….waaayyyy too many black and teal balloons, Chicken Divan for dinner, and a sleep over

    Never really forgave me for having the next 2 babies….your face in so many pictures made that abundantly obvious! Are we good with that now, BTW?? Lol!

    Do you remember I used to dress you and Tiffany alike for quite some time? Then you got too old to think it was cute anymore and I had to stop. *pouty face* No biggie, I switched gears and made Tiffany and Katherine my victims for the next several years.

    Do you remember your fear of the gorgeous Disney Carousel wallpaper in your room on Cottage Rd.? Swore it came to life at night! Finally painted pink over it. Also took down the frilly canopy over your bed, too. It made you claustrophobic…that one I can understand!!!!

    Talking about Miss Wiggy-too made me wonder…do you remember the castle that the 2 of you built out of a bazillion sugar cubes at our house for a school project? Got a “B” on it, I think.

    High school musicals….Guys and Dolls, Little Shop of Horrors, and The Wiz….all your friends and soooooooo many hours of after school and evening rehearsals.

    I’m done. Let me know what it stirs up!

    1. Ahhh… yes, now I DO remember the cake you made and the black and turquoise theme.

      And I had completely forgotten about that doll… where’d she end up? And…. I have vague, VAGUE memories of that castle, now that you mention it… hmmm… wonder what it was for… bet Sarah will remember…

      Don’t you worry you’re pretty little head about it, you’ll get an interview slot… we’ll get to play “remember when” for as long as you’ve got memories… 😉

      Thanks. <3

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.