The other night I sat down to write about some of the difficulties I’m having lately. I started with the question, “Where is God in all this?” I looked up from the computer, pondering this question, when suddenly it seemed that He was sitting at the other end of the table, waiting on my answer […]
It’s Halloween at midnight. I’m just home from work but not yet in bed because I have to make sure there’s a fire going or I’ll be too cold to sleep. If there is a moon tonight, you can’t tell by looking outside. I’m surrounded by a dark forest beneath a dark sky. The only […]
I cannot stand to be this far from God. And yet, here in church, I look around, and I cannot bear the thought of plugging back into this. It is so hollow. Accomplishing nothing. Self-focused. Empty. Is this my choice?! Is this what I should give up a life I love for? I cannot stand the idea of it. I don’t want anything that isn’t true and authentic and effective. What shall I do, God? Where shall I go?!”
I don’t want to chase my destiny. I don’t want to spend my life following a (or every) prophetic word. It’s not that I’m unwilling or disinterested, it’s just that, well, it’s my destiny, right? I imagine just living life is what’s going to get me there. Chasing destiny burnt me out. Living life brings me peace.
Where is my hope?
What, now, is my promise?
Is there a reason for tears when no one who will see will understand?
Hope and promise for a fleeting pleasure, barely more than a bowl of stew to the hungry.
I’m not having a crisis of faith, I’m having a crisis of relationship. I am absolutely convinced that there is more to life with God than what I can do for Him and what I can give up for Him. There must be more than this endless cycle of guilt for not being able to do enough, and guilt for not being able to live well enough.
With just enough truth, any line of thought can begin to confuse, until, eventually, I become aware that there’s a war in my mind and begin to participate. Except, what now is truth and what is born of revelation, and what has been planted and growing without my permission? Which line of thought is it, then, that I am arguing?
It’s relatively easy to be a Christian and to walk roads soundly investigated, approved and maintained by the traditional church. It isn’t difficult to live life uncompromised on Sunday morning or at a gathering of like minded friends and family. It isn’t hard to stand your ground when no one is challenging you, or tempting you.