Kicking and Screaming Sobriety

Kicking and screaming sobriety, that’s what this is. I normally end relationships that are this difficult. If I have to work this hard to make you stay, we’re probably better off going in our separate directions, know what I mean?

I wrestle with my personality when I’m sober. I have expectations of myself that are harder to meet if I’m not slightly…well, enhanced. This happened the last time I stopped drinking, too. I forgot, for a while, how to interact socially. I forgot who I was. I thought that I wasn’t as interesting, as entertaining, as enjoyable to spend time with, in my sober state.

I adjusted, eventually, but it took time and I was in an entirely different set of circumstances then. Without offering an opinion as to whether one is better than the other, I will say that making the social adjustments that come with sobriety is a much different experience inside of the church than it is out.

I should remind myself that I made most of these friends, entered into most of these relationships in my life, while I was sober two years ago. They know who I am.

Last night I went to catch up at the local watering hole after my shift at the mini-mart. I arrived close to midnight and met a room packed full of costumed revelers. What is it about holidays that make us want to drink so much? I couldn’t help but wonder as I looked around and watched my friends enjoy themselves, what would I be doing if I was on my third or fourth beer. Dancing upstairs to the punk rock band? Leaning in to share a laughing story with a group of girls? Kissing my boyfriend? I felt on the outside looking in.

It’s important to remember to ask myself what I would have been doing after my sixth or seventh dark beer, or, later, after I’d switched to wine and was powering my way through a bottle. Saying something insulting to my sister? Fighting with my boyfriend? Driving my car home through the snow? It’s hard to say. I wouldn’t have remembered anyway. Because that’s how I drink. And that’s why, even when my life wasn’t falling apart and rehab imminent, I stopped drinking again.

I like my sober life much better than my partying life. I like having productive mornings, a clean house and healthy relationships. I like having memories.

It’s hard right now, to not run and hide from the stress of everyday life, especially an everyday life under attack. My best offense is usually a hasty retreat. It’s hard right now, but it’s worth it.

It’s a new season, a new winter. This time, though, it’s going to be different.

This time I’m going to make winter my bitch.

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7 thoughts on “Kicking and Screaming Sobriety

  1. You make “winter your bitch” darlin! CUz it damn for sure is mine! We….you and I are overcomers….always have been, always will be. We all are, actually (your sibs, I mean) some of them just haven’t come to that realization fully. I love you always….but if prefer your company, and your friendship, clean & sober. Keep on…..

  2. Enjoyed your post. Keep on writing. And, from a previous post…..maybe you already ARE famous around the world…via posting online. 🙂
    I, too, struggle with alcohol….it keeps me in bondage. I believe God has more for me….true FREEDOM…and a victorious life. I am on day 10 without wine…..(yes, red wine). And, although I’ve been tempted to drink…..I need to remember the bad is causes…and the shame and guilt it causes me. My family likes me when I’m “here”. Funny, I always thought I was fine….
    Well, I just found this sight, and wanted to encourage you with your journey!

    1. Thanks for reading & for the encouragement, Tami. 🙂 Good luck to you as you continue on your journey! (It’s worth it!) Keep us posted!

      If I AM already famous…well… yikes. Hah! It’s a great idea in theory… in actuality, it’s a bit daunting!

  3. Hey friend…I’d like to give you a bit of encouragement that you are, in fact, quite FABULOUS when you are sober. You absolutely do not need alcohol to make you fun, or have personality, or any of the above. And if you need, remember my words when the thoughts come at you that you are nothing without alcohol. Hugs!

  4. Though I was never tagged an alcoholic I was. One day, I just decided to stop and I did. I have a strength inside me that I do not understand, but it works. The most challenging time for me was going through my first divorce. I almost turned to my old friend, but went hiking instead; a great choice. Being in the forest has been my stress relief as long as I can remember. We are only newly friends, but if you ever need a hiking, cycling, kayaking or snowshoeing friend just let me know. I am always up for good conversation and exercise.

  5. John, I’m impressed by people who can just want to stop and do. I’m equally impressed by people who only want to have one or two beers and can. I think I look at those people (the one or two beer people) and think that if I can’t be like them, there’s something wrong with me and, since there’s certainly nothing wrong with me, I keep trying to be like them… I realize I can’t be, I go too far, I quit drinking… rinse and repeat. Ick.

    Still, I’m enjoying being sober right now (mostly), and writing about it helps… and yes, it’d be great to get outside and play some… just as soon as I’m not working 80 hours a week. 😉

    Thanks for reading and for your comments!

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